QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have three children. For the past two or three years, our marriage has been going down hill. We try hard not to let our children know this, but I think we are headed for divorce. We love our children and want to do the best job we can in raising them. How can we maintain our good relationship with them and make this as easy as possible for everyone?
ANSWER: Firstly, your children already know something is wrong. Secondly, there is no way you can prepare a child for divorce. Thirdly, you stated you wanted to do the best job you could in raising them. If this is REALLY true, then, to believe you can do the "best" job at raising them in the absence of working hard on your marriage is like trying to make a great loaf of bread without flour. No matter how good the rest of the ingredients are, the critical ingredient is missing. The "best" you can do for your children is to work on, maintain, and provide them with a stable and loving marriage.
Of course this is not easy. Of course it requires lots of work, creativity, and sacrifice....no one has the capacity to hurt us the way our spouses can. Forgiveness within the marriage is heart-wrenching, exhausting and challenges us to place our needs underneath the needs of our spouse. Without a deep dependence on Christ, and a transforming awareness of the Cross, true forgiveness is impossible.
Although secular society wants us to believe our children can escape the trauma of divorce, research continues to show us the life-long detrimental effects of divorce on a person's social, emotional, psychological and spiritual makeup (see Second Chances and A Culture of Divorce ). There is no such thing as "easy as possible" when it comes to shattering a child's world, confusing them about love, crippling their future relationships, and causing them to question the character of God. Need I say more?
Since I haven't hear talk of abuse, violence or other criminal activity, I suspect the marriage is going through what most marriages go through at some point, that is: boredom, disillusionment, selfishness etc. Have courage! For the sake of your children, whom you "love", find a professional who can help you to rekindle your marriage.
Finally, you're deluding yourselves if you really believe you can hide this from your children. I have counseled with hundreds of children who have been ripped apart by their parents' inability and unwillingness to forgive and work hard at their marriage. The guilt children often place on themselves, the rage they suppress, and the loneliness and fear they live with are preventable. The road back will be slow and "up hill", but well worth it. Believe me, I know this is not easy to hear. In our self-absorbed culture, it is even less easy to do. "With God, all things are possible!"